Post-Undergrad

As a recent university graduate, the phrase “real world” has been inescapable when conversing about post-university. The term, though a non-descriptive cliché, still articulates the space or void after university that causes (even forces) many to look forward, into the future, and wonder, who will I be? Now, though I am aware that the question “what will I be?” is more often verbalized amongst the many conversations between graduates, family and friends, I want to particularly make note of the internalized “I”, which I find more valuable when framed with the pronoun “who” in place of “what.” Thus, “who will I be” is the first focal point of this vision as I present myself and my thoughts for the future.

Yet, this vision becomes distracted quickly. As I sit to think of the future, who that I may or want to be, I begin with the material details that would construct the thing I will become. So my mind naturally trails from the thought of “who” to the thought of “what I will be”—it is easier to communicate “what I will be” with more descriptive and material details.

Thus, I begin with the details in light of “what I will be.” I want to be a professor, a professor of English. My focus will in the arena of Modern Literature (the first half of the 20^th century) with a secondary focus in post-structural theory. My future profession may come as a surprise to some of you as you pick out the latent irony in the questions originally posed and the general subject matter of this blog post with the academic material I want to dedicate my life to. I am a contradiction that both believes in a “natural” and an “origin,” yet studies the very thoughts that recognize the inability to know, feel, think, experience any sense of a natural and/or original thing, if not destroy the concepts altogether. And when post-structuralism is articulated in full (which cannot happen) it kills the very notion of knowing anything, being anything and doing anything. Nature and the natural as well as an original ideal do not exist naturally and originally. Yet, at my core, I cannot whole-heartedly believe in the nihilistic direction post-structuralism can present. Simply, I am a hypocrite. I am a child.

And so, this contradiction and future self is part of the weight that I have felt since graduating on May 7^th. I have a vision of myself in the future (the life of a professor), but the path to reach this goal may take 20 to 30 year to reach, to accomplish, to be. And this path will be full of ambiguities, contradictions, absences, and tensions. And what if these hinder my goal?

Doubts, circumstances, imperfections and nights of disbelief ahead reveals an incompleteness in the word “path,” which I have used to conceptualize my future self and the path I must take to reach him. The path is something I can walk down and act upon, but what the term does give credence to is the mind. In other words, the word path articulates physical opportunities and/or in-opportunities. And so, the word path does not fully appreciate the influence of doubt and the struggle within the mind. Questions such as, do I have the stuff to achieve this goal, am I smart enough, and am I articulate enough? becomes pressing questions that influence action before action even takes place.

And at this moment it becomes so clear, so real in my mind that to reach this goal, I (myself) will be the only one to blame if I fail. If I fail, it is because my mind was first defeated or handicapped, not my actions. This is the “real world,” a place where no graduate can blame anyone other than him or herself. (Though this may only be an illusion.) It is up to me now to first control my mind, and then work hard and walk out the path that will achieve my professional but also, personal desires.

(An aside, some of you may be surprised of my embrace of a particular puritan-american value that still prevails in the thoughts of many Americans and in the language of our (or lack thereof) social reforms or social legislation. I am well aware of the social and external influences that do indeed affect the lives of all people, if not control the “human experience” all together. However, the moment of graduating, in relation to me, is when you realize that you alone are the beginning and end of yourself. Again, this may be an illusion or allusion, but something (I would argue) worth thinking and feeling.)

Thus, the real world, though an illusion or allusion, articulates the moment when human faces the world with his or her dreams. In the sublime moment, when awe and terror both invade the graduate’s mind, as he or her both imagines success and failure, is the moment where he or she faces him or herself. This is what becomes terrifying and depressing as well as fantastic. The moment a graduate realizes: it is up to me at this very moment to begin who I will be and what I will be.

And so, though this post has attempted to articulate the feeling that takes place when envisioning and speaking of the “real world”—the path ahead for many graduates and myself. The future becomes grounded in the present actions, in the now. Thus, the future is no longer the only focal point when we speak of future and the real world. The present comes into focus and is always paired with the future. The real world has always existed. Graduation merely removes a few veils from our vision. Thus, to revisit our initial questions that first directed our visions into the future, there is a similar, if not a more difficult, though pressing question, that places us into the present, into a more pressing thought. The question, who I am now?