Post-Undergrad

As a recent university graduate, the phrase “real world” has been inescapable when conversing about post-university. The term, though a non-descriptive cliché, still articulates the space or void after university that causes (even forces) many to look forward, into the future, and wonder, who will I be? Now, though I am aware that the question “what will I be?” is more often verbalized amongst the many conversations between graduates, family and friends, I want to particularly make note of the internalized “I”, which I find more valuable when framed with the pronoun “who” in place of “what.” Thus, “who will I be” is the first focal point of this vision as I present myself and my thoughts for the future.

Yet, this vision becomes distracted quickly. As I sit to think of the future, who that I may or want to be, I begin with the material details that would construct the thing I will become. So my mind naturally trails from the thought of “who” to the thought of “what I will be”—it is easier to communicate “what I will be” with more descriptive and material details.

Thus, I begin with the details in light of “what I will be.” I want to be a professor, a professor of English. My focus will in the arena of Modern Literature (the first half of the 20^th century) with a secondary focus in post-structural theory. My future profession may come as a surprise to some of you as you pick out the latent irony in the questions originally posed and the general subject matter of this blog post with the academic material I want to dedicate my life to. I am a contradiction that both believes in a “natural” and an “origin,” yet studies the very thoughts that recognize the inability to know, feel, think, experience any sense of a natural and/or original thing, if not destroy the concepts altogether. And when post-structuralism is articulated in full (which cannot happen) it kills the very notion of knowing anything, being anything and doing anything. Nature and the natural as well as an original ideal do not exist naturally and originally. Yet, at my core, I cannot whole-heartedly believe in the nihilistic direction post-structuralism can present. Simply, I am a hypocrite. I am a child.

And so, this contradiction and future self is part of the weight that I have felt since graduating on May 7^th. I have a vision of myself in the future (the life of a professor), but the path to reach this goal may take 20 to 30 year to reach, to accomplish, to be. And this path will be full of ambiguities, contradictions, absences, and tensions. And what if these hinder my goal?

Doubts, circumstances, imperfections and nights of disbelief ahead reveals an incompleteness in the word “path,” which I have used to conceptualize my future self and the path I must take to reach him. The path is something I can walk down and act upon, but what the term does give credence to is the mind. In other words, the word path articulates physical opportunities and/or in-opportunities. And so, the word path does not fully appreciate the influence of doubt and the struggle within the mind. Questions such as, do I have the stuff to achieve this goal, am I smart enough, and am I articulate enough? becomes pressing questions that influence action before action even takes place.

And at this moment it becomes so clear, so real in my mind that to reach this goal, I (myself) will be the only one to blame if I fail. If I fail, it is because my mind was first defeated or handicapped, not my actions. This is the “real world,” a place where no graduate can blame anyone other than him or herself. (Though this may only be an illusion.) It is up to me now to first control my mind, and then work hard and walk out the path that will achieve my professional but also, personal desires.

(An aside, some of you may be surprised of my embrace of a particular puritan-american value that still prevails in the thoughts of many Americans and in the language of our (or lack thereof) social reforms or social legislation. I am well aware of the social and external influences that do indeed affect the lives of all people, if not control the “human experience” all together. However, the moment of graduating, in relation to me, is when you realize that you alone are the beginning and end of yourself. Again, this may be an illusion or allusion, but something (I would argue) worth thinking and feeling.)

Thus, the real world, though an illusion or allusion, articulates the moment when human faces the world with his or her dreams. In the sublime moment, when awe and terror both invade the graduate’s mind, as he or her both imagines success and failure, is the moment where he or she faces him or herself. This is what becomes terrifying and depressing as well as fantastic. The moment a graduate realizes: it is up to me at this very moment to begin who I will be and what I will be.

And so, though this post has attempted to articulate the feeling that takes place when envisioning and speaking of the “real world”—the path ahead for many graduates and myself. The future becomes grounded in the present actions, in the now. Thus, the future is no longer the only focal point when we speak of future and the real world. The present comes into focus and is always paired with the future. The real world has always existed. Graduation merely removes a few veils from our vision. Thus, to revisit our initial questions that first directed our visions into the future, there is a similar, if not a more difficult, though pressing question, that places us into the present, into a more pressing thought. The question, who I am now?

Soon to be Titled (Part 2)

Since I have been home from Europe I have decided I would want a wardrobe much like in The Chronicles of Narnia to guide me back to Europe whenever I pleased. It is far too expensive to merely fly there wherever I want. But this brings up an interesting observation, one of distance and space.

I did not like how quickly I traveled home. It took me about 7 hours to fly back into the States from Heathrow Airport and then a hour and a half home to Indianapolis. Due to the perfect nature of my life and stay in England I felt that I should have been on a long pilgrimage home. But within 10 hours I left a home and returned to another on the other side of the world. I did not like this feeling.

This quick transition made me aware of something though. My idea of self in space and time tore. There became two thoughts of me, two of me. One Jeffrey that lived in the States, and one who lived in Europe. My life abroad was the first experience to create this conscious parallel universe.

What I mean by this parallel universe is that I can imagine a second me in Europe now. He is almost like a ghost. A faint spirit but very much real. This second Jeffrey is living a life if I was to stay, if I was to actually live a life in Europe now. This idea of this parallel me is the only way that I can convey how hard it is for me to just be in the USA and also to tell people about my trip. For it was not a trip, but I lived in Europe and still do to this day.

Canterbury was and is one of my homes. I was not a tourist in London nor Paris, these were second cities, second homes to me. I have dear friends in Germany, Switzerland and Italy. What my point is that I could live there so easily. I can imagine and feel myself living there vividly. This is why it was hard saying goodbye, but also hard transitioning back to the USA.

All this being said, I will return to Europe as soon as I can. Like I have told all my friends there… it will be in a couple years.

And this is the reality. I live in the USA. This is why I want a magical wardrobe... so I can pop into Europe and pop back into the States. But this also brings to focus my contentment with being here. I am glad to be back. Though I miss Europe dearly and I have a part of me floating about over there, I am glad to be here. But this thought comes and is found in tension.

I now want to address my European companions... or bitches...

Dear dear companions,

Though there is this ghost of me around you all. You all are in America though you may be unaware of it. For I speak of you often and think of you even more. Thank you for the love and friendship you have given me. Thank you for the pubs and the pints. Thank you for your visions and re-visions before and after a cup of tea. Thank you for being you. Now let's attempt to unfuck the world.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Your Jeffrey, Jeff, Indiana and/or America

33 random bits from conversations.

Stereotypes hold some truth in them. That is why I like them. They are signifiers that express a small portion of the signified. Below are some moments I have had in England and my travels. I hope you laugh because most of these moments have brought much laughter, but also, interesting dialogue.

1. The theme song for the film Team America is sung regularly with all my international friends.

2. Every event here in England somehow includes the pubs. You go to the pub after class, sports events, meetings, and mass. Even AA goes to the pub after their meetings.

3. It is embarrassing to tell a practicing French catholic that your church back home uses grape juice for the “blood of Christ.” Not only do they believe in the transformation of the wine used in communion, but they also come from a culture that does not like to eat dinner without it. Wine is very important in that culture in multiple ways and so I feel stupid when I try to explain why we Puritans do not use wine and there is not reason.

4. Tea in the morning.

5. Tea in the afternoon.

6. Tea after a solid night out. I love teatime.

7. England is the most watched country in the world. There are more surveillance cameras in just London than any other country in the world.

8. They are sweets. Not candy.

9. Paris is truly an amazing city.

10. Why doesn’t every city have double-decker buses? It’s really pretty smart. Twice the space, half the length.

11. Penguin mild chocolate biscuits are little pieces of pure joy.

12. Every girl from Essex wants to attend the party in your pants.

13. England does not have cell phones. They have mobile phones used for ringing people.

14. The other night I told three girls (who are my age) the purpose and uses of a douche bag.

15. I am constantly reminding the English of the special letter we sent them in 1776. And then I tell them we’ll bomb them if they make fun of me.

16. The French are always on strike or about to go on strike.

17. A very small percentage of convicted felons are sentenced to life in prison in England.

18. I have fulfilled a Frenchman’s dream by saying Budweiser in an American accent.

19. The English hate their country.

20. The world that I have encountered really does like President Obama.

21. Peanut butter and hummus is very American.

22. Nobles still exist. And they own castles!

23. Nothing is too crude, mean and/or sarcastic to the French.

24. French girls are modest and classy. English girls are not.

25. The BBC is partially owned by the British government.

26. I feel ignorant and close-minded because I do not know at least two different languages.

27. Guinness is truly different and better in Ireland.

28. Switzerland does not have a national language but has four different regions that have their own language.

29. The French know how to do dinner. The traditional dinner can last up to four hours and with 6 courses.

30. Some people call me America.

31. The English do not like Newcastle. The town, the drink, and the accent.

32. They say aluminum differently here.

33. Everyone already assumes I am ignorant and uneducated. They also assume I have terrible geography. All of this because of my citizenship. They are mostly right.

A little about myself (a prologue one could say)

One of the most crucial moments of my life is when I met my high school literature teacher. He was a jolly, but rough looking fellow seasoned by life’s adventures. On our first day of class he took us all outside to the parking lot and told the 18 of us to cram into a small parking space. He proceeded to ask us what we saw in the confined space on the ground. We all mumbled answers have something to do with small rocks, black pavement and bird droppings (unable to see the point he was trying to make.) He then told us to look outside of the box. We not only saw the world around us, we also saw his point. From that moment I have wanted to find the world beyond my own experiences and what I could only envision, comprehend and communicate. This experience could be compared to when Keats reads Chapman’s Homer. The path to look outside of myself has been difficult and yet, I find myself seeking for more knowledge. The humorous or ironic part of me being enrolled and educated at Indiana University (to supposedly gain knowledge) is that the more classes I take to “gain knowledge,” the more I realize I know nothing. I would never take away my college experience and career. I love my major, my friends, Bloomington, Indiana and who I am becoming.

Part of my reasoning for my inward understanding and who I am becoming will be filtered through a proverb that a friend of mine has told me repeatedly. His name is Patrick Sullivan, and he lives in Toronto, Ontario. He told me “I could not change the world. But… but I could change my own little world.” I believe that I am to take care of the people that cannot take care of themselves, to assist those that need a hand, to empower those to become one with their own, personal, individual soul and body; ultimately, to be. I know that knowledge is not necessarily needed to do such deeds; however, I believe that there is a dreadful cycle of poverty or of ignorance that exists in the world. My hope is that my knowledge will create a better understanding of this cycle, which will then shed light on some observations that will hopefully assist us all as we make baby steps towards becoming our true selves. Ultimately, I want to inspire people to embrace humanness amongst their animal-ness. I want people to know a world exists beyond themselves. I want people to inspire me.

A little background of myself: My father was a pastor of a conservative non-denomination church. I grew up with four brothers and two sisters. My father passed away when I was ten years old with a blood template cancer. The strange truth about the whole thing is that I would not have my dad come back for anything. I loved him, but the life I have had since then has made me who I am today. I would hate to rob myself of that. I know that my father is very proud of me and who I have been and who I am becoming.

In the grand scheme of things, I chose English with a focus of creative writing because of the beauty of language and its powerful nature. I enjoy history, church history, theology and philosophy, and English is field of study where I can learn all of that through literature. Arguably, literature could be considered the origins of such fields of thought. The creative writing aspect has cultivated a fascination with metaphor and the natural weight of words. I am also a declared Comparative Literature minor to learn from peoples all over this world. I also will be receiving a Certificate in Journalism, which has inspired me to right well in thought and deed. Both of these fields of study are to hone my skills as a writer and reader of the English language. With my undergraduate degree I plan on pursuing graduate school in the area of church history and theology. However, several of the English classes I have taken have shown me that both of those subjects are relevant in English literature; therefore, I have been contemplating English literature of late. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that language is the key to all origins. Everything known now has been built on language, with language or in language. Thus, this blog is just a mapping of my thoughts in language form to display the remarkable knowledge languages and words hold.